Bundle of Joy

You hear many parents say that about their newborns or their young children, "They are my bundle of joy!"  However, some new studies are suggesting that people that do not have children are happier then those that do.  I found this interesting because the idea of having children is shifting because many more moms are in the work force and many people are waiting longer to get married.   This waiting causes them to put off having children till later or not at all.  You would think this waiting would better prepare people to be parents.  So then why would parents not be happy?  It seems that many either do not do it correctly or are overburdened with doing it too well.  How can you parent too well you may ask, I see parents all the time that do it. 
As more and more families come into my office I see more trends in how parents parent and what works and what doesn't.  Some of these things I have already blogged about in previous posts.  The question is:  Are you as a parent happy?  If you are great!  If not why is that?  There may be things that need to be examined in how you parent and how you are functioning.  Better yet, come in to my office and lets examine things together so we can see what works and what might need adjusting! 

Winning (Continued)

So the question was posted last week, how can relationships win?  It seems many parents were raised with parents who subscribed to the old adage that "children be seen and not heard", or "until you start paying the bills around here keep quiet!"  While these attitudes keep parents in the authority position, I am not sure it is the most healthy authority position for children and the family.
What I am proposing is not that parents give up their authority, but that they change how they go about that authority.  You see if one person wins in a relationship then the other person loses and the relationship loses.  So how is it possible for the relationship between a parent and child win?
Parents are you picking battles with your children and family that arent worth picking and only cause more chaos? 
Are you respecting your childrens feelings and emotions even if they seem irrational or inaccurate? 
Are you shutting up and just listening sometimes, not trying to fix? 
Are you putting the ball back in their court so they can learn responsibility and how to make good choices?
Are you letting your teenagers fail so they can learn that conflict causes change?

All these questions can be looked at so the relationship between you and your child can WIN! 

Winning

I want to win, you want to win, we all want to win!  Who doesnt like winning?  The good feelings of accomplishment, the people who give us praise, the crowd that goes wild!  Winning tends to always be a good thing for us and our team.  Many times when we win however, we dont really think of the other side, the loser(s).  It feels pretty bad to lose.  Its not fun, no one gives praise for it and many times the crowd may boo. 
I have dealt with a lot of families where the parents are constantly trying to win.  Win over their families, win over their children and win over their spouses.  Remember, if someone wins, there is almost always a loser.  If someone loses in a relationship, and the relationship is the priority, then the relationship loses.  I had a mom last week tell me, "I used to try to win because that's how I was raised."  "My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say."  This is common with parents, they feel like they have to be the winners in their relationship/disciplining/consequence their children.  All this winning by the parents and losing by the children causes children to grow up afraid, resentful, bitter about their parents and how they were raised.  How then do we win at relationships, parents are still in charge and respected and kids feel good about their families?  Stay tuned as next week I will discuss this topic further.  Read the following questions to start thinking about this topic.

Questions:
1)  How did my parents treat me growing up?  Am I bitter, resentful?
2)  Do I feel as though my parents tried to win when parenting me?
3)  Do I have issues being in charge or having authority over others and my family?    

Review

Spring is almost here!  I think many of us here in the Ozarks and around the country are thankful for that.  I have already seen some flowers blooming and weeds beginning to take over.  Many people have heard the term "spring cleaning."  It seems like a good time to clean out and start fresh since spring inspires people with warm sunshine and temperatures.  But as I think about all this warmth and cleaning, I couldn't help but go back 2 months to the New Year when goals and challenges were set.  Now is the time to review those goals!  Uhh ohhh, did I catch some of you snoozing on your goals?  You are not alone, by this time in the year many people have either forgotten their goals or just plain gave up.  I am going to encourage you to get back to it.  Make your goals happen.  Its never to late to start!  If you have a family, take one of your family meeting times and sit down and discuss goals, plans, summer vacations, etc.  This is a time to catch up.  

Questions...
1) What is causing problems for me to complete my goals?
2) Do I need to change my goals so they are more realistic?
3) Do others (spouse, family members, etc) know my goals to help keep me/us accountable?

Training

"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old is will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6 KJV  Another version puts it this way, "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it" Proverbs 22:6 NLT
  Now I am not a Biblical scholar by any means but I find it interesting the words used in those verses.  It says train and direct.  The dictionary says that train means, "to develop or form the habits, thoughts, or behavior of by discipline and instruction."  I have many parents in sessions that seem to focus more on the consequences and punishment.  I am in full support of having consequences for behaviors that need to be changed, I believe that is biblical.  I however, do not support a mentality of punishment in trying to change behavior.  This causes children to feel badly about themselves, become bitter about their upbringing and does not teach them to make good choices on their own.  I believe the language in the verses of train and direct were meant to encourage parents to teach, show, and explain right behaviors.  Someone who trains not only shows the other person how to do a certain thing but also models it so the trainee can see what it looks like to do it a certain way.  A balance of training and consequences can help your child to grow up feeling confident about making healthy choices for themselves, and making your job easier and less stressful. 

Questions to consider:
1)  Am I punishing to change behavior or training to change behavior?
2)  Am I using effective consequences that also teach?
3)  Do I treat my family/kids like my boss treats me?  Do I need to be a better so called "boss" at home?
4)  Have I read or looked into better training methods to use with my children?