A picture is worth a thousand words

I came across this article http://news.yahoo.com/photographer-refuses-portraits-facebook-bullies-163500977.html this evening and was impressed by the choice this photographer made.  In short she came across a facebook page some teens had made to bully or make fun of others, she then realised these same teens had scheduled their senior photos to be taken by her.  She decided she would not take photos of "ugly people" and told the teens and their parents she was cancelling their photo sessions and giving back their money.
I was impressed, here is a woman who makes her livelihood on taking pictures and she wasnt going to take them.
In reading this woman's blog she seems very humble about the whole thing, but I give her much credit for standing up for whats right.  It starts with one person and hopefully it catches on.

As the new school year starts will you and your family and/or teens stand up for whats right?!?!


PS:  The photographers blog for more info.  http://jenmckenphoto.com/blog/2011/08/17/if-youre-ugly-i-wont-take-your-photo-indiana-county-pa-photographer-personal/

No kids allowed!

I have been reading on several news outlets about several restaurants and others businesses that are refusing to serve those with young children, mainly under 6.  And while the issue may seem quite controversial, its not causing as much stir as one might think.  I was thinking this over and wondering, "why are businesses really doing this and why hasn't there been the backlash over it?"
I believe there are two possible reasons for this (I am also going to want to hear what you have to say on this!)  One, it seems that many people are waiting longer and longer to have children.  So could it be there are many more no-kid couples?  And being these couples do not have children do they want to enjoy the lifestyle where they do not have to deal with crying, unruly kids?  The second thing that came to mind was this, it would seem people think they have the right to everything now-a-days.  Does this translate into the thinking, "its my kid and he or she can cry and do whatever he or she wants?"  Years ago, even in my generation growing up, it seems like parents disciplines their children more and those children minded their parents a lot more.  Now parents don't care and in turn the kids don't care, leading to loud, unruly children.

I want to hear from you on this!  What do you think is the reason businesses are not allowing young children?  Do you agree or disagree with my assessments.  Feel free to comment!

Questions to ponder....
1) Watch when you go out to places how kids behave and how parents respond.
2) How do you allow your child(ren) to behave when they are out?

Storm Anxiety

If you live in Southwest Missouri you have probably seen and heard about the devastating tornado that struck Joplin the other day.  It is truly heartbreaking to see what weather can do when it interacts with people.  It can also be a very emotional experience for those watching from the outside.  With all the different media we have today from large screen tvs to laptops, netbooks and even our phones, we are always connected to the world around us, even when that world around us is torn apart.  Like, yesterday I was watching footage of the Joplin tornado, from when the storm formed to when it was over.  Its amazing how we are connected today.  That same connection however, can cause emotional problems for us.  Watching hours and hours of storm coverage and looking at hundreds of pictures takes a toll on us.  It also takes a toll on our children and teens, who many times dont have the words or ability to process such scenes the way we as adults can.
My point is, over the next couple days be very aware of how much time you are spending watching television coverage and how much time your kids are also watching and listening.  What your family watches and listens to may cause anxiety, fear and stress for children and teens, and maybe even parents.
Be willing to talk about what happened as a family and discuss fears and worries.  Mainly, keep in check how much you expose yourself to the tragedies you see on TV.  Its very sad what happened in Joplin, but those people need your prayers and help more then they need you depressed and anxious. 

1)  How much news coverage do you and your children watch?
2)  Are your children not in the room but can hear whats being talked about on the tv or radio?
3)  Have you gone over a safety plan for your own home?
4)  Talk through things that may be seen or heard on TV, radio, computers and phones.

Dont Wait

I hear all the time parents tell me, "We have thought about doing counseling for awhile...", or "we have thought getting help would be a good idea but never called."  Many times they have waited until the problem has gotten pretty serious.  This is not only a problem when it comes to our children and families but we also do this with other things in our lives.  I know I do it with my car, it needs work, but I put it off because I do not want to invest the time and money.  Problem is, by the time I do get it repaired more time and more money are involved.  Counseling and life issues are very similar, by the time help is received, it takes more sessions which cost more money.  It really is all about preventative maintenance!  I am going to suggest being proactive not reactive.  If things are starting to concern you as a parent, take action and see what things can be done to keep more problems from happening.
This time of year is tough because school is ending and there are a lot of different activities going on as the summer starts.  I am encouraging people to make time for counseling and getting help.  Its all about priorities.  Spend the time and money now, so your family can enjoy the time and money later. 

DepressionAnxietyStress

Those words when in our life seem to run together.  Most people with either one of those 3 will have some form of the other.  So, its Friday and I am giving permission for some things.....

1) Don't watch the news.
2) Turn off the TV.
3) Go for a walk/jog/run.
4) Turn off the computer.
5) Its ok to not be connected to the world.
6) Facebook will be there tomorrow.
7) That's why you have voice-mail, let it take the call.
8) Spend time with your children.
9) Go out on a date with your son or daughter.
10) Do a family activity.
11) Shut off your cell phone.
12) No Xbox, Playstation or Nintendo
13) Have quiet time.
14) Do nothing
15) What society says isn't necessarily right.
16) Take a day off from all activities, sports, productions, instrument practice etc.  I dont care what the coach/teacher says!
17) De-stress church.
18) Spend some time just you and your husband/wife.
19) Have dessert for dinner.
20) Spend quiet time in prayer.

I want all of you to be less depressed, anxious and stressed!  Have a blessed weekend!

Bundle of Joy

You hear many parents say that about their newborns or their young children, "They are my bundle of joy!"  However, some new studies are suggesting that people that do not have children are happier then those that do.  I found this interesting because the idea of having children is shifting because many more moms are in the work force and many people are waiting longer to get married.   This waiting causes them to put off having children till later or not at all.  You would think this waiting would better prepare people to be parents.  So then why would parents not be happy?  It seems that many either do not do it correctly or are overburdened with doing it too well.  How can you parent too well you may ask, I see parents all the time that do it. 
As more and more families come into my office I see more trends in how parents parent and what works and what doesn't.  Some of these things I have already blogged about in previous posts.  The question is:  Are you as a parent happy?  If you are great!  If not why is that?  There may be things that need to be examined in how you parent and how you are functioning.  Better yet, come in to my office and lets examine things together so we can see what works and what might need adjusting! 

Winning (Continued)

So the question was posted last week, how can relationships win?  It seems many parents were raised with parents who subscribed to the old adage that "children be seen and not heard", or "until you start paying the bills around here keep quiet!"  While these attitudes keep parents in the authority position, I am not sure it is the most healthy authority position for children and the family.
What I am proposing is not that parents give up their authority, but that they change how they go about that authority.  You see if one person wins in a relationship then the other person loses and the relationship loses.  So how is it possible for the relationship between a parent and child win?
Parents are you picking battles with your children and family that arent worth picking and only cause more chaos? 
Are you respecting your childrens feelings and emotions even if they seem irrational or inaccurate? 
Are you shutting up and just listening sometimes, not trying to fix? 
Are you putting the ball back in their court so they can learn responsibility and how to make good choices?
Are you letting your teenagers fail so they can learn that conflict causes change?

All these questions can be looked at so the relationship between you and your child can WIN! 

Winning

I want to win, you want to win, we all want to win!  Who doesnt like winning?  The good feelings of accomplishment, the people who give us praise, the crowd that goes wild!  Winning tends to always be a good thing for us and our team.  Many times when we win however, we dont really think of the other side, the loser(s).  It feels pretty bad to lose.  Its not fun, no one gives praise for it and many times the crowd may boo. 
I have dealt with a lot of families where the parents are constantly trying to win.  Win over their families, win over their children and win over their spouses.  Remember, if someone wins, there is almost always a loser.  If someone loses in a relationship, and the relationship is the priority, then the relationship loses.  I had a mom last week tell me, "I used to try to win because that's how I was raised."  "My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say."  This is common with parents, they feel like they have to be the winners in their relationship/disciplining/consequence their children.  All this winning by the parents and losing by the children causes children to grow up afraid, resentful, bitter about their parents and how they were raised.  How then do we win at relationships, parents are still in charge and respected and kids feel good about their families?  Stay tuned as next week I will discuss this topic further.  Read the following questions to start thinking about this topic.

Questions:
1)  How did my parents treat me growing up?  Am I bitter, resentful?
2)  Do I feel as though my parents tried to win when parenting me?
3)  Do I have issues being in charge or having authority over others and my family?    

Review

Spring is almost here!  I think many of us here in the Ozarks and around the country are thankful for that.  I have already seen some flowers blooming and weeds beginning to take over.  Many people have heard the term "spring cleaning."  It seems like a good time to clean out and start fresh since spring inspires people with warm sunshine and temperatures.  But as I think about all this warmth and cleaning, I couldn't help but go back 2 months to the New Year when goals and challenges were set.  Now is the time to review those goals!  Uhh ohhh, did I catch some of you snoozing on your goals?  You are not alone, by this time in the year many people have either forgotten their goals or just plain gave up.  I am going to encourage you to get back to it.  Make your goals happen.  Its never to late to start!  If you have a family, take one of your family meeting times and sit down and discuss goals, plans, summer vacations, etc.  This is a time to catch up.  

Questions...
1) What is causing problems for me to complete my goals?
2) Do I need to change my goals so they are more realistic?
3) Do others (spouse, family members, etc) know my goals to help keep me/us accountable?

Training

"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old is will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6 KJV  Another version puts it this way, "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it" Proverbs 22:6 NLT
  Now I am not a Biblical scholar by any means but I find it interesting the words used in those verses.  It says train and direct.  The dictionary says that train means, "to develop or form the habits, thoughts, or behavior of by discipline and instruction."  I have many parents in sessions that seem to focus more on the consequences and punishment.  I am in full support of having consequences for behaviors that need to be changed, I believe that is biblical.  I however, do not support a mentality of punishment in trying to change behavior.  This causes children to feel badly about themselves, become bitter about their upbringing and does not teach them to make good choices on their own.  I believe the language in the verses of train and direct were meant to encourage parents to teach, show, and explain right behaviors.  Someone who trains not only shows the other person how to do a certain thing but also models it so the trainee can see what it looks like to do it a certain way.  A balance of training and consequences can help your child to grow up feeling confident about making healthy choices for themselves, and making your job easier and less stressful. 

Questions to consider:
1)  Am I punishing to change behavior or training to change behavior?
2)  Am I using effective consequences that also teach?
3)  Do I treat my family/kids like my boss treats me?  Do I need to be a better so called "boss" at home?
4)  Have I read or looked into better training methods to use with my children?

Meetings

Some people cringe at the sight of that word.  Meetings!  I have talked to people who feel like all they do is go to meetings, whether it be for their job, their kids school, or for sports.  However, there is one place where many people do not do meetings at all.  I know what you might say, "John, are you going to tell me I have to have another meeting?"  And my answer is yes.  This meeting however, will be the most important to your life and well being.  Family Meetings  How many of you would say that you have family meetings, whether informal like eating dinner together or a scheduled time?  Family meetings are important part of family life and can be pivital to the level of health in your family.

Some ideas for setting up family meetings.
- Have a specific time and place scheduled out
- Have rules set in place such as: one person talks at a time, everyone gets to participate, respect one another, etc.
- Talk about things that are pertinate to your family and its members.  If Johnny is playing soccer and trumpet, discuss those things.
-  Allow all members to share ideas, however, this is not a time for griping.  However it is ok to talk about things that are not going right.
- Do an activity such as RED YELLOW GREEN Light Family.  Red- for things that should stop, Yellow- for things that we should be cautious about Green- things that are going right.
- Dont be afraid to talk about difficult, awkward issues.
- Allow agreements, rule changes, etc to be made to benefit the family.
- Keep things positive.  Lift up, praise, encourage.

Questions.....
1) Would our family benefit from having meetings to come together and talk about life?
2) Can we make it a priority even if it has to interfere with other activities?
3) What sort of topics should be discussed?


 

The Month of Love

February, the love month!  As I typed that I got an image of hippies from the 70's dancing around chanting love and peace.  :-)  Valentines day is every February 14th and millions of people around the country celebrate by sending flowers, going out to dinner and spending time with their significant others.  But significant others are not the only ones in our lives that we love.  We love our families, our parents, our children, our siblings, and so on.  How we love these people looks different for each individual.  I read a book a while back called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman that talks about our five different ways we show and receive love.  I have used it in my practice as a way to help parents and others be intentional about how they show their children and teens love.  There are times we need to examine how we show love to people in our lives as each of us has different ways we receive love.  Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service are the five love languages, I would love to have you come in and take the test and see what you and your families love languages are.  It just might give you that <3 feeling.

Questions:
1) What are ways I show my family, children, and or teens love?
2) Am I showing love in a way that they can truly receive it as love?
3) Am I doing things that cancel out the love I show to my family?
4) Should I schedule an appt and get a love check up?

Turn it Off!

Not a very popular idea among teens and even children....the idea....turning off your electronics: tvs, computers, video games and even cell phones.  This might not even be a popular idea among you parents either.  So far this year I have been putting a lot of thought and time in reading articles and studies about the role electronics play in our lives.  I will admit, I am lover of technology just like you, so this will be a stretch for myself.  It turns out that while our technology has made our lives very efficient and better overall, it is also starting to have negative effects.  Some of those, are increased levels of stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout.  I also hear more complaints from parents about kids spending hours and hours in front of tvs, computers and video games.  Amazingly enough I also hear kids state their parents spend more and more time in front of these same devices.  If kids are spending that time and parents are spending that time, where is time to spend on relationships and family.  I recently read about a mom who completely shut off all tvs, computers, vidoe games and even limited cell phone usage.  Do you know what happened?  The kids grades increased, they read more, started new things like playing instruments, and seemed overall in better moods.  Wow, what a difference!  I know what you are thinking, "isnt that a bit extreme?"  I would agree.  However, it proves a point that our overuse and addiction (yes I said it, addiction) to technology is influencing us negatively.
Your kids and family will push against this, but remember, you are the parent.  Teach them why and remember that teaching stays with them forever.

Questions to consider:
1) How many hours, days, weeks are we as a family on all of our devices (computers, tv, video games, cell phones?)  (This may be difficult because many times we are not even aware we are using the technology)
2) Can I reduce the amount of time these devices take up in our family life?
3) What are things I/we can do to fill the gaps when we are not using technology?
4)

Touch Me

Your child and or teen just might be asking you to do that.
In society today we have become over sensitive to the human touch, we have sexualized it.  There are many times in todays world where touch can be wrong and dirty, however, I believe we have taken things too far.  I see so many families where touch does not happen and the kids are almost begging to be loved in that way.  A hug, an arm around the shoulder, a pat on the head, a back rub, even a kiss.  These are all ways, appropriate ways, to show our children we love them.  Not only is it appropriate, it is a need.  God created us to be touched by one another.  Study after study has shown that touch is important, if not vital, not only infants, but also children, teens and adults.  Because of our fallen nature we have made touch a negative thing.  I know many people have had negative experiences involving touch, and that is unfortunate.  Because it is such a sensitive issue, I ask that if you have questions regarding appropriate touch with children, teens and family members, send me an e-mail or call my office for help. 

Questions to consider:

1) Are there ways I can add appropriate touch to my daily interactions with my children and family?
2) Do I have issues with touch because of abuse or negative situation in my life?
3) Do my children and teens understand the importance and boundaries of touch?

New Year

Let me start off by saying, Happy New Year!!  I am sure I am not the first or the last that will tell you that, but it is fact, it is the new year and I am hoping its a happy one.  One of the biggest things people tend to think about when the new year rolls around are resolutions.  People ask, "so have you made any new years resolutions?"  I am thinking about forgetting that word this year.  The reason, you may ask, is that it seems the term new years resolutions is equated with failure.  Many people who make resolutions seem to fail, not long after the new year really gets into full swing.  Why is that?  I believe there are a couple things that sabatoge those new promises of change.  1)  People tend to give themselves too much credit and shoot for goals that either are too hard, or too hard to sustain.  Its just a new year, so that means most things are the same, just because a new year rolls around doesnt make things any easier.  Start small and let the process help things to grow.  I believe slow and steady will work here.  2)  People dont spend the time thinking through the change, feeling it out, giving thought to what it really means.  Have you researched the change your going to make?  How much time, energy, strife, etc. is it going to take.  How are the people around me going to deal with the changes?  I believe the more you are prepared the more you can invest at being successful at your resolution. 3)  Focusing on the long term, trying to take the first day of the year and compare it to the last is very difficult and not very motivating.  Start with small mini goals of days, then weeks, then months.  By the time you know it, the end of the year will be upon us again.  4)  Lastly, striving for perfection.  If you try to be perfect you will fail and you will lose any and all motivation to continue.  Allow yourself some wiggle room so that if you fail, you dont fail over and over and over again and give up.
I am proposing losing the term resolution altogether.  How about change, goals, habits!  Those are all everyday things we can do to make the things happen in our lives that we really want.