Parents vs. Teachers

Just think, the new year is only 19 days away, shocking isn't it?  I came across a great article that I thought would be a great way to start off the new year with your child and teacher.  Its titled "9 Things Teachers Wish Parents Knew."  This article lists some great ways to help your child in the new year become a better student and you a better parent.  As I used to teach for a couple years before becoming a counselor, I can attest that parents just do not support the teacher or school anymore.  This is sad because it sets a precedence to your child in how they view other adults in authority.  It also causes many children to not succeed at school to their fullest potential.  By the way, this list works well from kindergarten all the way through high school.  I am going to list the 9 things here, but check out the article for more explanation on each.

1) Don't be a stranger.
2) Learning doesn't stop at the end of the school day.
3) Stay involved even when you do not know the material.
4) Keep your child organized.
5) Let your child make mistakes (Parents I cant emphasize this enough)
6) Raise a good reader.
7) If the teacher deserves a good grade, give he or she one!
8) The teacher is on your side - give him or her the benefit of the doubt.
9) There is a secret to better grades.

 http://shine.yahoo.com/event/backtoschool/9-things-teachers-wish-parents-knew-2342257/

I know these 9 things are so very important for several reasons, 1) I was a teacher and saw how these things really did help with not only the child's grades but also the attitude of the children and family. 2) I see a lot of these things not being done and then have families in my office because there are behavior and/or other problems. Lastly, I have several friends who are teachers and school counselors who constantly complain about many of these things on the list, that if only a couple things on the list were done, it would drastically change the child's success.  I know teachers and schools are not perfect, but a little grace goes a long way! 

 

The Power to Decide

Life is all about decisions.  Some are easy, like what to have for breakfast?  Others are more difficult, like where am I going to go to college?  As parents you make choices and decisions everyday that not only effect you but also your children and families. 
I see people in my office everyday that either had the choice to come to counseling, or the choice was made for them.  But one thing that both have in common, they get to decide if they are going to change.  YOU decide if YOU are going to change.  I wish I could say that counseling is magic, oh what fun I could have, but in all seriousness, it takes work.  I have made the choice to make my office available to anyone who wants to decide to change.  I also make my office available to those that haven't yet decided they want or need to change.  But, its not about me, its about the decision to change.  What am asking this week?  Make the choice.  Make the choice to change.  Encourage your husbands, sons, daughters, parents, families, to change.  God has given you the life, its your choice what you want it to look like.

Questions to consider....
1) Have I decided to change, and if so, what?
2) I am really, truly, willing to make the effort to change?
3) What are the pros/cons to changing? 

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! 

I am thankful for the opportunity to help others in my office and on my blog.  I am thankful also for those that put their trust in me to help them.    Thank You!
Everyone says that Thanksgiving is a time to remember and think about things we are thankful for.  But I think many of us really dont give this much thought.  You see we are spoiled!  (Remember, I am included in that!)  Are we really thankful for what we have, or truly understand how much we do have.  The past several weeks I have really been challenged to consider what I have in my life and how lucky I am.  Our society is all about keeping up with the Jones, and I know for myself, its so easy to get caught up in.  We need to buck the trends of society.    

Questions to consider....
1)  Do you and your family really know all you have in life?(I mean REALLY understand it)
2)  What are ways in which you can help your children and teens not take for granted the things they have?
3) Are you and your family following this scripture? "When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required."  Luke 12:48 NLT

We are our parents

It has been said, "I am only here for my children".  While many parents that I see have good intentions in helping their children there is another side to examine.  Next to school, your children spend the most time with you.  They pick up your habits, your ideas, your ways of looking at life.  You are probably saying, "Yea right John, my child or teen is NOTHING like me".  How right you are, for now.  As your children and teens get older, many times they begin to follow in the footsteps of their parents, and many times not in a healthy direction.  I see teens and young adults that find themselves struggling with life because of their parents.  Now, I do not say this to make you parents feel guilty.  However, your children and teens are only as healthy as you are.  As my clients can atest, I constantly refer to the family as a team.  Therefore, when one member of the team is struggling, so do the others.  Parents if you want the best for your children and teens, then make sure you are taking care of yourself the best.  Best parents = Best kids!

Questions to ponder.....
1) Do I as a parent struggle with any mental illness that I need to get help with?
2) What habits have I developed in dealing with my family?  Are they healthy and promote positive interactions that teach healthy boundries, structure and decision making?
3) If my children or teens are having a difficult time, are there ways I am contributing to it?
4) How would I rate my overall health and well-being as a parent?  Do I get a failing grade?

PS.  Remember parents, not only do I work with children and teens, but also with you by yourself! 

Matthew 7:9

"9 You Parents - if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of coarse not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give good gifts to those who ask him." NLT

It seems simple, sinners can give good gifts to their children, so therefore God will give above and beyond.  But it makes me wonder if the Bible could mean gifts as more then just physical gifts?  It can be easy to go to the store and buy a gift (ie- new cloths, new video games, gift cards, etc.) but how much harder is it to give the gift of teaching, helping, guiding, safety.  These I believe are also gifts we can give our children.  A gift is defined as

"something given voluntarily without payment in return or to make a gesture of assistance.  Something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned"  I see people day in and day out that do not realise they are giving their kids the wrong gifts.  Gifts that harm, rather then do good.

 

Questions to ponder...

1) Are you giving your children non-physical gifts, if so what are they?

2) Does your child have to work for or do things to get the gifts you give?

3) Do I know what gifts my child needs?

 

Who I am

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

These are lyrics from a hit song that used to be on the radio.  And as I heard this song the other day it got me thinking.  How many of us, especially teenagers have this same feeling? 
-They dont want to be seen by others for fear of judgement. 
-They think others will not understand them because they are somehow different, or stange, or weird. 
-They feel broken and everything around them will break and fail. 
-They just want someone, anyone to know who they are.
As I listed the song lyrics out as teenage feelings it really got my attention.  What a lonely, miserable place to be!
While not all teenagers feel these feelings all the time, I bet I could say that all of them, including you parents, when you were a teenager, felt those things at one time or another.
What I am proposing as answers to these feelings.....

1) Do you judge your teen for their behavior(s), thoughts, and or ideas?
2) Do you try and understand your teen, really understand them for who they are even if they are not what you expected them to be?
3) Are you there for your teen so when things do fall apart they have support to be put back together?
4) Do you know your teen?  Their opinions, likes, goals, dreams, ideas.

PS.  I apologize for the lapse in blogs the past two weeks.

Oops!

I have this eraser in my office that used to be kept in my desk drawer.  But a couple weeks ago I came across it and thought, "this might be something I can use.  Wouldn't we all like to be able to use this eraser?  And I am not talking about using it on paper, but on your life.   Lets face it, we all have oops moments,  whether those moments just happened or we did something on purpose that caused those moments.  A couple swipes of our life eraser and everything would be back to normal and we could go on living life.  We all know that this is not possible, but there are ways in which we can learn to "fix" those oops moments.
   One of the things I have been trying to stress to my clients is its not all about how you mess up, but how you come out on the other side, hence, what did you learn from the mess up and how are you going to try and prevent it.  This can relate to our families and kids.  I hear many parents say, "Well, they got in trouble or didnt so something right so I gave them consequences."  Believe me I have no issues with consequences, but, instead of consequences, was there a teaching moment that was missed?  Too many times we assume our children and teens know how to do something, when in reality they have no idea.  Are you learning from your oops moments so you can better prepare your family for theirs?

Questions:
1)  How do I respond to my children or teens oops moments?
2)  Are there times when I need to do some teaching instead of giving a consequence(or both)?
3)  Am I allowing them to mess up or trying to "save" them from it?
 

The Three Stooges

I remember as a kid watching the three stooges and finding them hilarious.  Every episode would contain Moe, Larry and Curly beating up on one another in hilarious ways.  It seems strange now how something so over the top was so funny.  In thinking about the three stooges there are "three life stooges" that can treat us pretty horribly and its not funny at all.  Those three are being tired, being hungry and being stressed.  These three simple things can cause relationship issues in our kids, teens and families.  In today's society we are so busy with school, sports, church(yes I said it), and so many other things that we fail to take care of the basic needs.
I am seeing more and more kids and teens in my office dealing with anxiety, and while eating and sleeping wont heal anxiety, they are 2 simple things that just may help make life a bit easier to get through.
EAT, SLEEP, RELAX, it may help more then you know

Realities:
- Kids ages 6-9 need 10 hours of sleep a night
- Kids ages10-12 need a little over 9 hours
- Teens need about 8.5-9 hours
Shocking I know, but remember these are not set in stone numbers, each child and teen is different.  But it puts things in perspective.  By the way, you parents, you need 7-8 hours!
(Taken from kidshealth.com and mayoclinic.com) 

Questions to ask:
1) Are me and my family members (kids, teens, husband) getting the sleep they need?
2) Are me and my family eating the way we should? 
3) Are me and my family doing things to relieve stress or am I aware of how stressed me or my family are?

Some would say, "I don't have time to eat and sleep, I am too busy with life."  Well, then you might be too stressed to realize that you are tired and hungry.

Not like my parents

     Before I became a counselor I taught Elementary and High school.  Teaching in these two settings, I made a startling realization, I disciplined my class like my mom disciplined me growing up.  I remember sitting at my desk totally bewildered, how did this happen?  I think many have joked saying, " I would never do or say some of the things my parents did."  But what I found working with families is that many times these things that were done and said in childhood come back to almost haunt those parents today.  They discipline, act and treat their children as they were treated.  You might be wondering, how did this happen, I never wanted to be like "them".  We are like our parents because that is what was modeled for us.  We look to our parents for teaching and guidance and even when it is not healthy we repeat those lessons later on.  We have no other examples.
     All is not lost however, being aware of how you were raised and how you currently raise your own children can be a huge factor in changing your behaviors.
     Give some thought on some of the positive and negative things from your childhood and teen years.  Repeat the positives, stop the negatives! 

Questions to ask yourself:  
1) What were some of the things as a child that you remember fondly?
2) What are some things your parents did that you wish were different?
3) How do I change current behaviors in raising my own children/teens?
4) Do I have unfinished business from my childhood I need to work at?

National Human Trafficking Awareness Month

September is/was National Human Trafficking Awareness month.  I know what your thinking, John, its October already, your a bit late.  And I will agree with you, I am a bit late on this, however the topic is of great importance.  I have blogged about Human Trafficking before (http://www.ccstoday.com/page14902930.aspx) but thought it was important to discuss it again and in greater detail.  Some may ask, why is this important to me? that stuff doesn't happen in Springfield, MO or here in the states! I don't have to worry about that with my child!  However, it happens right in your backyard.  Ky3 news reported several weeks ago about a guy in Lebanon who kidnapped a special needs child and held her for years for torture and sex (http://www.ky3.com/news/ktvi-kirkwood-resident-accused-sexual-torture-090910,0,6889609.story).

Now, I am not bringing these things up to cause panic or to scare you.  But we need to be more aware of whats taking place around us in our neighborhood and our community.  I have seen teens in my office that are engaging in behaviors that could make them targets for sex traffickers.  Those who have runaway, for example, 1 in 3 within 48 hours will be lured in prostitution.  

Did you know:

• That there are more people in slavery today then in any other time in history
• Last year, Slave Traders made more money than Google, Nike, and Starbucks combined
• The United States is the second highest destination area in the world for trafficked women
• Cases of sex trafficking have been reported in all 50 states and in more than 90 cities in the United States
• 13 is the average age of entry into pornography and prostitution in the USA. 

These stats are unbelievable to me.  I cannot imagine that this takes place on a daily basis, right in my town and community.  I cannot understand the thought process where these people think that holding a child captive for slavery and sex is acceptable.
I am listing several different websites that are working to help make people aware of this important topic and helping to save women and children from their captors.

http://www.free-international.org/index.htm

http://exoduscry.com

http://www.sharedhope.org

http://notinmyyard.org 

http://www.nefariousdocumentray.com

I know personally some of the people working with these organizations and if you want more information or who to contact to get involved please let me know.  These people would also be able to do presentations for your church, group or other meeting.

Questions to ask yourself:

Do I know my neighborhood/community and the people in it?
Have I talked to my children and teens about sex and sexual boundaries?
Do my kids know the signs of someone whose trying to traffic them?
Am I praying for my children and teens constantly?

Image: Boaz Yiftach / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Smart phone, Smart teen

Iphone 4, Droid X, Samsung Galaxy, these are some of the newest, coolest phones on the market.  These phones are called smart phones because they do a lot of smart things, however, its still up to the user to use them smartly.  Many of you have either read about these phones or even use them yourselves.  Many of the kids and teens I see are also using these phones, however they are using them for a whole other purpose then just making calls.  I have been seeing more and more adolescents who are in trouble for texting inappropriate things to others, some who have taken pictures of themselves in compromising situations, even worse, some are sending those pictures to others, while others are receiving them.  Using their phones for this purpose is called sexting: the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs, primarily between mobile phones.  Not only is this inappropriate but in many cases the teens sending and receiving these messages have been charged with distributing or receiving child pornography.  Quite a serious charge!
    Some of you after reading this might want to check your adolescents phone, or block their ability to text.  And while I would not blame you, hold off on doing that just yet.  I would propose that in order to help keep your relationship with your teen intact, that another approach be used.  One using words...
 
1)  Have you talked to and continue to talk to your child and or teen about sex and sexuality?
2)  Are they aware of and practice sexual boundaries with members of the opposite sex?  
3) Do they know the seriousness of sexting and the consequences?

Here's a link to a survey that states about 20% of teens are sexting, that's 1 in 5!  This link also gives more information for parents.      http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/sextech/PDF/SexTech_Summary.pdf

Character Ed

  Many of us over the last couple years have been exposed to news stories about pro-sports players, celebrities and high profile politicians and religious leaders who have acted "out of character".  Once caught they go on TV, on the internet, or on twitter and apologize.  There's nothing that bothers me more, then leaders and people who others look up to, consistently act as if they lack character.  We're facing a character crisis!!
     Springfield's Chamber of Commerce started a community program called Character Ed.  Many of you have probably heard of it from your kids and teens because they have learned about it in school.  However, Character Ed is not just a school program, its for organizations, churches, and businesses throughout the community.  Springfield wants to be a Community of Character.  Thats a lofty goal, but does character come from a community program?  Where do our kids and teens learn character?  The Bible even talks about character, "train up a child in the way he or she should go and when they are old they will not depart."  Jesus talked about what we would now call character traits, he taught them in His parables.
The questions then....
1) What character traits are you showing your children, your teens, your family?
2) Could your son or daughter watch your life on TV and be proud of what they see?
3) In what ways can you teach your children character so it gets lived out in everyday life?

By the way, Septembers Character Ed word is:  Respect

Why It all begins with YOUth

Welcome to my new blog.  The new name represents the importance of YOU in a young persons life, and how change just may begin with YOU.  I created this blog as a way to provide interaction with those of YOU who have young people in your life.  If we are going to have an impact on our kids and teens, it will come from YOU.  YOU the parent, YOU the youth pastor, YOU the grandparent, YOU the teacher.  YOU will have an impact, YOU will listen, YOU guide and direct, YOU will pray and sacrifice to make their lives better.  It all begins with YOU, it all begins with youth.

I hope to share with you resources, information and tips in order to help you and the youth in your life.  Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments and feedback.  I look forward to hearing from you.

"I am here for you"