A picture is worth a thousand words

I came across this article http://news.yahoo.com/photographer-refuses-portraits-facebook-bullies-163500977.html this evening and was impressed by the choice this photographer made.  In short she came across a facebook page some teens had made to bully or make fun of others, she then realised these same teens had scheduled their senior photos to be taken by her.  She decided she would not take photos of "ugly people" and told the teens and their parents she was cancelling their photo sessions and giving back their money.
I was impressed, here is a woman who makes her livelihood on taking pictures and she wasnt going to take them.
In reading this woman's blog she seems very humble about the whole thing, but I give her much credit for standing up for whats right.  It starts with one person and hopefully it catches on.

As the new school year starts will you and your family and/or teens stand up for whats right?!?!


PS:  The photographers blog for more info.  http://jenmckenphoto.com/blog/2011/08/17/if-youre-ugly-i-wont-take-your-photo-indiana-county-pa-photographer-personal/

No kids allowed!

I have been reading on several news outlets about several restaurants and others businesses that are refusing to serve those with young children, mainly under 6.  And while the issue may seem quite controversial, its not causing as much stir as one might think.  I was thinking this over and wondering, "why are businesses really doing this and why hasn't there been the backlash over it?"
I believe there are two possible reasons for this (I am also going to want to hear what you have to say on this!)  One, it seems that many people are waiting longer and longer to have children.  So could it be there are many more no-kid couples?  And being these couples do not have children do they want to enjoy the lifestyle where they do not have to deal with crying, unruly kids?  The second thing that came to mind was this, it would seem people think they have the right to everything now-a-days.  Does this translate into the thinking, "its my kid and he or she can cry and do whatever he or she wants?"  Years ago, even in my generation growing up, it seems like parents disciplines their children more and those children minded their parents a lot more.  Now parents don't care and in turn the kids don't care, leading to loud, unruly children.

I want to hear from you on this!  What do you think is the reason businesses are not allowing young children?  Do you agree or disagree with my assessments.  Feel free to comment!

Questions to ponder....
1) Watch when you go out to places how kids behave and how parents respond.
2) How do you allow your child(ren) to behave when they are out?

Storm Anxiety

If you live in Southwest Missouri you have probably seen and heard about the devastating tornado that struck Joplin the other day.  It is truly heartbreaking to see what weather can do when it interacts with people.  It can also be a very emotional experience for those watching from the outside.  With all the different media we have today from large screen tvs to laptops, netbooks and even our phones, we are always connected to the world around us, even when that world around us is torn apart.  Like, yesterday I was watching footage of the Joplin tornado, from when the storm formed to when it was over.  Its amazing how we are connected today.  That same connection however, can cause emotional problems for us.  Watching hours and hours of storm coverage and looking at hundreds of pictures takes a toll on us.  It also takes a toll on our children and teens, who many times dont have the words or ability to process such scenes the way we as adults can.
My point is, over the next couple days be very aware of how much time you are spending watching television coverage and how much time your kids are also watching and listening.  What your family watches and listens to may cause anxiety, fear and stress for children and teens, and maybe even parents.
Be willing to talk about what happened as a family and discuss fears and worries.  Mainly, keep in check how much you expose yourself to the tragedies you see on TV.  Its very sad what happened in Joplin, but those people need your prayers and help more then they need you depressed and anxious. 

1)  How much news coverage do you and your children watch?
2)  Are your children not in the room but can hear whats being talked about on the tv or radio?
3)  Have you gone over a safety plan for your own home?
4)  Talk through things that may be seen or heard on TV, radio, computers and phones.

Dont Wait

I hear all the time parents tell me, "We have thought about doing counseling for awhile...", or "we have thought getting help would be a good idea but never called."  Many times they have waited until the problem has gotten pretty serious.  This is not only a problem when it comes to our children and families but we also do this with other things in our lives.  I know I do it with my car, it needs work, but I put it off because I do not want to invest the time and money.  Problem is, by the time I do get it repaired more time and more money are involved.  Counseling and life issues are very similar, by the time help is received, it takes more sessions which cost more money.  It really is all about preventative maintenance!  I am going to suggest being proactive not reactive.  If things are starting to concern you as a parent, take action and see what things can be done to keep more problems from happening.
This time of year is tough because school is ending and there are a lot of different activities going on as the summer starts.  I am encouraging people to make time for counseling and getting help.  Its all about priorities.  Spend the time and money now, so your family can enjoy the time and money later. 

DepressionAnxietyStress

Those words when in our life seem to run together.  Most people with either one of those 3 will have some form of the other.  So, its Friday and I am giving permission for some things.....

1) Don't watch the news.
2) Turn off the TV.
3) Go for a walk/jog/run.
4) Turn off the computer.
5) Its ok to not be connected to the world.
6) Facebook will be there tomorrow.
7) That's why you have voice-mail, let it take the call.
8) Spend time with your children.
9) Go out on a date with your son or daughter.
10) Do a family activity.
11) Shut off your cell phone.
12) No Xbox, Playstation or Nintendo
13) Have quiet time.
14) Do nothing
15) What society says isn't necessarily right.
16) Take a day off from all activities, sports, productions, instrument practice etc.  I dont care what the coach/teacher says!
17) De-stress church.
18) Spend some time just you and your husband/wife.
19) Have dessert for dinner.
20) Spend quiet time in prayer.

I want all of you to be less depressed, anxious and stressed!  Have a blessed weekend!

Bundle of Joy

You hear many parents say that about their newborns or their young children, "They are my bundle of joy!"  However, some new studies are suggesting that people that do not have children are happier then those that do.  I found this interesting because the idea of having children is shifting because many more moms are in the work force and many people are waiting longer to get married.   This waiting causes them to put off having children till later or not at all.  You would think this waiting would better prepare people to be parents.  So then why would parents not be happy?  It seems that many either do not do it correctly or are overburdened with doing it too well.  How can you parent too well you may ask, I see parents all the time that do it. 
As more and more families come into my office I see more trends in how parents parent and what works and what doesn't.  Some of these things I have already blogged about in previous posts.  The question is:  Are you as a parent happy?  If you are great!  If not why is that?  There may be things that need to be examined in how you parent and how you are functioning.  Better yet, come in to my office and lets examine things together so we can see what works and what might need adjusting! 

Winning (Continued)

So the question was posted last week, how can relationships win?  It seems many parents were raised with parents who subscribed to the old adage that "children be seen and not heard", or "until you start paying the bills around here keep quiet!"  While these attitudes keep parents in the authority position, I am not sure it is the most healthy authority position for children and the family.
What I am proposing is not that parents give up their authority, but that they change how they go about that authority.  You see if one person wins in a relationship then the other person loses and the relationship loses.  So how is it possible for the relationship between a parent and child win?
Parents are you picking battles with your children and family that arent worth picking and only cause more chaos? 
Are you respecting your childrens feelings and emotions even if they seem irrational or inaccurate? 
Are you shutting up and just listening sometimes, not trying to fix? 
Are you putting the ball back in their court so they can learn responsibility and how to make good choices?
Are you letting your teenagers fail so they can learn that conflict causes change?

All these questions can be looked at so the relationship between you and your child can WIN! 

Winning

I want to win, you want to win, we all want to win!  Who doesnt like winning?  The good feelings of accomplishment, the people who give us praise, the crowd that goes wild!  Winning tends to always be a good thing for us and our team.  Many times when we win however, we dont really think of the other side, the loser(s).  It feels pretty bad to lose.  Its not fun, no one gives praise for it and many times the crowd may boo. 
I have dealt with a lot of families where the parents are constantly trying to win.  Win over their families, win over their children and win over their spouses.  Remember, if someone wins, there is almost always a loser.  If someone loses in a relationship, and the relationship is the priority, then the relationship loses.  I had a mom last week tell me, "I used to try to win because that's how I was raised."  "My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say."  This is common with parents, they feel like they have to be the winners in their relationship/disciplining/consequence their children.  All this winning by the parents and losing by the children causes children to grow up afraid, resentful, bitter about their parents and how they were raised.  How then do we win at relationships, parents are still in charge and respected and kids feel good about their families?  Stay tuned as next week I will discuss this topic further.  Read the following questions to start thinking about this topic.

Questions:
1)  How did my parents treat me growing up?  Am I bitter, resentful?
2)  Do I feel as though my parents tried to win when parenting me?
3)  Do I have issues being in charge or having authority over others and my family?    

Review

Spring is almost here!  I think many of us here in the Ozarks and around the country are thankful for that.  I have already seen some flowers blooming and weeds beginning to take over.  Many people have heard the term "spring cleaning."  It seems like a good time to clean out and start fresh since spring inspires people with warm sunshine and temperatures.  But as I think about all this warmth and cleaning, I couldn't help but go back 2 months to the New Year when goals and challenges were set.  Now is the time to review those goals!  Uhh ohhh, did I catch some of you snoozing on your goals?  You are not alone, by this time in the year many people have either forgotten their goals or just plain gave up.  I am going to encourage you to get back to it.  Make your goals happen.  Its never to late to start!  If you have a family, take one of your family meeting times and sit down and discuss goals, plans, summer vacations, etc.  This is a time to catch up.  

Questions...
1) What is causing problems for me to complete my goals?
2) Do I need to change my goals so they are more realistic?
3) Do others (spouse, family members, etc) know my goals to help keep me/us accountable?

Training

"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old is will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6 KJV  Another version puts it this way, "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it" Proverbs 22:6 NLT
  Now I am not a Biblical scholar by any means but I find it interesting the words used in those verses.  It says train and direct.  The dictionary says that train means, "to develop or form the habits, thoughts, or behavior of by discipline and instruction."  I have many parents in sessions that seem to focus more on the consequences and punishment.  I am in full support of having consequences for behaviors that need to be changed, I believe that is biblical.  I however, do not support a mentality of punishment in trying to change behavior.  This causes children to feel badly about themselves, become bitter about their upbringing and does not teach them to make good choices on their own.  I believe the language in the verses of train and direct were meant to encourage parents to teach, show, and explain right behaviors.  Someone who trains not only shows the other person how to do a certain thing but also models it so the trainee can see what it looks like to do it a certain way.  A balance of training and consequences can help your child to grow up feeling confident about making healthy choices for themselves, and making your job easier and less stressful. 

Questions to consider:
1)  Am I punishing to change behavior or training to change behavior?
2)  Am I using effective consequences that also teach?
3)  Do I treat my family/kids like my boss treats me?  Do I need to be a better so called "boss" at home?
4)  Have I read or looked into better training methods to use with my children?